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Saturday, 20 October 2007

BBC Pioneers Educational Services

The University of the Closed Mind

Professor Horror-Binge

Following the enormous success of our parent organisation in the field of adult education, we at BBC Pioneer Productions are proud to offer, at considerable expense, for an audience expected reach at least double figures:-

The University of the Closed Mind

Supported by a huge number of independent minded, free thinking, world acclaimed, Party funded academics, this series of programmes will explore the scientific issues the Party thinks you should be worrying about at any specific time.

Our first programme will be an introduction to the most serious threat our planet has faced since the great Bird Flu epidemic of 2006:-

Man Made Global Warming
Global Warming
Climate Change


Professor Horror-Binge, BA Oxon (Eng Lit), will use his lifetime study of Climate Change to explain in a reasoned, logical and scientific argument the way that life on the planet will soon be virtually extinguished by soaring temperatures and/or flooding and/or hurricanes and/or desertification and/or melting/thickening ice and/or weakening/strengthening ocean currents and/or pestilence, insurrection, starvation and mass death on a hitherto unimagineable scale.

A hand picked team of The Party's most loyal and devoted science workers have laboured with Party workers from other countries for years to produce incontrovertible proof of all the above, so conclusive that The Party has declared that all further scientific endeavour in this field will now cease.

The Professor's talk will outline the fundamental truths of Climate Change and deal with the petty, irrational and frankly childish arguments of the pathetically few deniers who have yet to benefit from the Party's re-education programme.

Proposition A - global temperatures are rising :-
Extensive examination of global temperature records over millions of years shows that the planet is heating at unprecedented rates.

Deniers claim:-

It was warmer in Roman times - they grew grapes in Yorkshire and the Vikings named Greenland because they had fertile farms there.
It was also much colder in England in the 1700's they lit bonfires on ice on the Thames

Professor Horror-Binge's response:-

After extensive world-wide investigation - I've come up with an answer to the first point from my colleague, BBC Business Editor and son of prominent Party Member, Robert Peston. Robert knows a lot about what small businessmen get up to and thinks that all those posh Roman villa owners in York probably lied about where their wine came from to avoid import duty. Also Eric the Red, who discovered Greenland, was known to be a bit of a real estate promoter on the side and was probably trying to flog off some bits of icy tundra with a dodgy brochure. Isn't it typical that doubt should be cast upon the efforts of The Party's most eminent scientific workers by the corrupt machinations of petty capitalists. Shame on them!

As far as the bonfires go. Where's the photographic evidence? These sketches were drawn by the journalists of the time - who ever believed anything a hack told them? You people are so gullible.

Proposition B - Carbon Dioxide causes global warming :-

Antarctic ice core samples show a relationship between global temperatures and CO2 levels.

Deniers claim:-

The samples show temperature increases about 800 years before CO2 level rises.

Professor Horror-Binge's response:-

Well, frankly, what's 800 years in the millions of years of our planet's history.

Also I've spoken to the world's most famous ever scientist, Professor Emeritus and Nobel prize winner Lord Albert Gore, on this and he points out that way back, before his two term presidency and even before he invented the internet, he and his old buddy and namsesake Al Einstein once sat around in Al's Post Office and chucked around some ideas about time and space moving forwards backwards and every darned which way sometimes.

He also points out, sometimes you've gotta lay it on a bit thick to prove a point.

Proposition C -Global warming is accelerating:-
It has reached a critical tipping point requiring immediate action.

Deniers claim:-

In that case, why do the temperature records show no increase since 1997?

Professor Horror-Binge's response:-

When scientists start to study these things, they have to choose reference points to start and end the data they collect.
If they choose random points they run a serious risk of not achieving the goals the Party has set for them.

They might end up with any old garbage - and how the hell would you use that to extend your research grant and keep your family out of the gulag?

Also, come to think of it, now that the Party has declared that all further research is terminated, we'll probably bin the data after 1997, so there won't be an argument really - will there?

Proposition D - A consensus of all the world's scientists have agreed on Climate Change:-
More than two thousand have signed the IPCC report.

Deniers claim:-

Many world renowned climate scientists disagree with the conclusion and the IPCC signatories include more government functionaries than real scientists - also several prominent scientists have asked for their names to be removed.

Professor Horror-Binge's response:-

Don't argue with me about what constitutes a consensus pal - I've got an English degree.

In any case, I think you'll find the consensus is growing stronger by the day, as our colleagues persuade the dissenters to recant. Do you happen to have any names and addresses by the way?

Next week's programme:-

Is climate change denial a peversion or a mental disability?

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