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Friday, 19 October 2007
We Know where you live
We at the BBC Pioneers website would like to expand.
In order to keep up with modern media trends, we need a Director of Culture, a Director of Vision, a Director of Diversity and maybe even some production staff as well.
Obviously these sort of people don't come cheap and we need a new business model to fund this exciting new expansion.
In line with current thinking, we intend to outsource the execution of the plan but unfortunately Capita Plc really have too much on their plate to help out right now.
We have therefore, in a spirit of Pan-European collaboration, widened our search throughout our EU neighbours and received a promising proposition from the Crapitano Bros of Corleone in sunny Sicily.
Their proposal is closely modelled on that of our major UK competitor, but has the advantage of minimising the bureaucracy and paperwork associated with their system.
Basically, the Crapitano proposal consists of recruiting a team of operatives who will creep up to your house at night and peer through your curtains.
I has proved remarkably easy to recruit these enthusiastic and highly motivated individuals who are more than happy to carry out their duties in return for a modest share of the proceeds because of the intense personal satisfaction they derive from their work. The only equipment they require apparently is an official ID card, a digital camera and a box of tissues each.
If Crapitanos' operatives find you using your PC, they will ask you for ten pounds in cash. If you refuse, they will chuck a brick through your window and return one week later for another collection attempt. A carefully structured incentive plan will then be implemented including keying your car, abusing your family and setting fire to the premises with the sum to collected to be doubled on the occasion of each visit.
It is important to note that the ten pounds is payable, whether or not you have ever viewed our website. This ensures that our plan to become the dominant force in UK multimedia entertainment can proceed without undue delay and we can offer you the wide range of information and entertainment we consider suitable for you.
Eventually we plan be become a world force in multimedia, TV, radio, publishing, education, real estate and possibly also (in collaboration with Crapitano) lap dancing clubs, betting shops and massage parlours.
We will be starting our collection programme in London NW12 and gradually expanding throughout the UK as resources ande recruitment allow. We won't need expensive TV and press advertising since we feel that news of our unique incentive programme will quickly spread by word of mouth.
Our image building consultants have however come up with a logo and slogan which encapsulate our business mission:-
WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE - THIS IS WHAT WE DO